One of my favourite authors Brianna Wiest talks about something I find truly important in one of her books. She says “Love them where they are. If someone is falling behind in life, you don’t have to remind them. They already know. If someone is unhealthy, they know. If someone is struggling with relationships, they know. It’s what consumes their thoughts each day. What you need to do for those who are in that place is not to reprimand but to encourage. To tell them what’s good about their lives, to show them the potential within them that you see. What you need to do is love them where they are. When we can’t see clearly for ourselves, we need others to speak greatness over us. People don’t need you to tell them what’s wrong with their lives – they already know. They need you to reassure them that they can still make it right.”
Have you ever met a nurturer? Someone who always focuses on the good? I’ve shared with you about Ninang Erly who was abundant & never wasted any of her valuable time to judge other people or their decisions. As a kid, I figured complaining was simply not in her nature which I totally admired. Her energy always felt bright. So, when faced with another person – a stranger or otherwise, she gave them sweet, honest compliments, talked about their potential & even invested energy & took action to help them realize their dreams. Before, I thought this was probably just natural & effortless to her, but I realized as I grew up that genuine kindness actually requires consistent mental work – committing to developing this kind of mindset must have emerged from somewhere & showing up this way every time says a lot of her dedication.
After she passed, I heard a lot more stories about her kindness which I didn’t know – how much she helped others get jobs; supported & sponsored other people’s education; supported & sponsored someone to get clean & rehabilitated & get employed afterwards; actively planned, organized & cooked for so many events for friends & families, and so much more.
She chose to encourage people instead of frowning at them & telling them how mistaken they are; nor did she list all the things they were doing “wrong.” Instead of ignoring them, she made them feel included, accepted & loved. Whenever other people couldn’t figure out which path to take, she bravely showed them the way, held their hand, & walked with them so they don’t have to do things on their own. She led through example & walked the talk.
She found beauty in other people & told them of their talents, she didn’t say anything for them to feel attacked. Like what Brianna asks us to try, she accepted them with arms wide open, hugged them to help them forgive themselves & believed in them – without a doubt. Everywhere she went, she tried to keep her light on which helped spark light in others. Most especially, she helped everyone she could – it didn’t matter if you’re family or not, if she had the capacity to do something that would improve your life- she’s there & she’ll find a way.
She also never spoke ill about anyone – in her workspace, family, or her friends. I can literally remember her voice as she gently told a friend of hers to not be angry over a co-worker in campus. She thought, spoke & acted in a healthy way, without ego or pride. She didn’t see herself as better than anyone in life thus she never forced any of her beliefs into others- she only cared about contributing to other people’s lives & creating a positive impact no matter where she went.
“Some people, when they do someone a favor, are always looking for a chance to call it in. And some aren’t but are still aware of it – still regard it as a debt. But others don’t even do that. They’re like a vine that produces grapes without looking for anything in return. They don’t make a fuss about it. They just go on to something else, as the vine looks forward to bearing fruit again in season. We should be like that, acting almost unconsciously.” –Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
When you’re at peace with who you were in your past; with who you are right now & who you are becoming, then accepting & respecting others becomes easier too. Even when you are at a disagreement with someone, respecting & accepting them would feel natural. Think about how if we simply agreed on everything, there wouldn’t be room for growth -we’ll remain just the same, without any sense of evolution. Each one of us is unique, we make different choices & process experiences differently. And at the end of the day, it is absolutely okay. It’s okay to not agree on everything – it’s natural & it’s in sharing different perspectives with respect, it’s in being inclusive & keeping an open mind to hear & truly listen to what others feel, in trying to feel what others see & hear, it’s how we get to help ourselves change & others thrive, it’s how we all grow.
“When someone feels lost & are suffering in the darkness, you help them get out of it by burning bright, like a star, like a compass.”