Do you feel like you reach out more than you think you should? As if you’re stretching yourself thin voluntarily thus effectively neglecting yourself? Just recently, I had another meaningful conversation with my husband. When journaling or reading doesn’t help me so much in figuring things out, this guy is right beside me, ready to listen & share his honest input until I hit a eureka moment.
I like conversing with my partner since we think differently & different perspectives make room for growth. In Dr. Carol Dweck’s book called “Mindset,” she talks greatly about the differences between fixed & growth mindset. Fixed minded people think you cannot grow past the set of ‘talents‘ you are gifted with while growth minded people believe in every person’s natural ability to improve, grow & change with consistent efforts. Fixed mindedness stems from scarcity mindset while growth mindedness breathes abundance mindset.
“It’s time for you to look inward and start asking yourself the big question. Who are you & what do you want?”
–Uncle Iroh to Zuko
When certain events occur, I’ve observed subtle patterns in how I respond or react. After we talked, I realized how I sometimes spread myself too thin for others that I don’t have enough energy & time for myself. I actually used to be a chronic people pleaser. I tried way too hard just to get along with everyone.
Given that my core need is peace, I used to avoid making mistakes or inconveniencing others. It’s like putting yourself in a tiny box no matter where you go. In time, I became more & more calculated & less authentic that this coping mechanism soon backfired. It reached a certain point where I felt like I was at war with myself that I started to hate everything & anything & everyone.
When I hit my rock bottom, I started figuring out my true self. I graduated from my old people-pleasing habits. Yet, I still need to override some faulty programming left in my fast-thinking system. It’s like when Zuko from Avatar, The Last Airbender, was still trying so hard to prove his worth, earn his honor, and be welcomed & accepted wholeheartedly by his ‘kingdom.’ Early on, he couldn’t see that with his banishment, he was actually freed. But when he was finally back & was superficially accepted, he realized he wasn’t actually happy.
“In the darkness, hope is something you give yourself.”
–Zuko
Who knows? Maybe people push you away because deep down they know they’re not good for you. Know your worth, believe in yourself & your potential. You can always depend on yourself & figure out how to get what you want out of life. You shouldn’t value opinions of others about yourself & allow them to dictate who you are.
Sometimes what you just need is acceptance. Acceptance that you can rest from stretching your branches too far to reach everyone. If they’re not in the same frequency, no need to force yourself in their lives. Sometimes your journey with some people will end at one point & that’s absolutely okay. It’s yourself who needs you the most, bring your attention to your roots, your inner world.
When you start to grow your roots, you open up yourself to reach your true potential. You lean on to things that naturally feel good. When you don’t take care of your roots, your life would feel flimsy & ungenuine. You would easily get affected by things that are beyond your control.
Change is difficult though, just like how Zuko resisted it despite Uncle Iroh’s guidance. It’s because there are some problems that only you could fix. Imagine a plant kept in a small pot for so long, it takes a while before its roots get over the mold from the old pot.
“I’m not taking orders from you anymore. I’m going to speak my mind & you are going to listen. I’ve learned everything & I’ve had to learn it on my own.”
–Zuko
When you focus on growing your roots, without even trying, it will be much easier to reach everyone. Much like a sturdy tree which is a safe space for birds, plants, insects & other animals. If your roots are strong & nourished enough, you will withstand nature & in time you’ll abundantly produce fruits which can then be shared with others. This is far better than focusing your energy on stretching your flailing branches too far in desperation to reach everyone.
Focus on yourself, who you want to become & why. Focus on your own goals & systems & just keep at it, things will naturally fall into place. I’m trying to find this quote from Hayao Miyazaki’s book called Starting Point, which struck me, but I couldn’t remember where he mentioned it. I think he said that when drawing a tree, you cannot just draw the details of the trunk, its branches, or its leaves & fruits & place it above the ground. He said that you need to draw its roots too otherwise it just wouldn’t look & feel right. The tree, it seems, despite all of its details would still look empty like a shell. But when you draw the roots, suddenly it is full of life, suddenly it’s real.
Coffee soon,
Anne