Even as children, most of us have learned to repress our emotions. Some of us were not lucky to be “allowed” to express our thoughts & still feel supported by the people who surrounded us. So we have carried them for most of our lives & remained unaware of it. And unless you have faced a life-changing experience, you may have not felt the utmost need to process these emotions.
Growing older doesn’t actually equate to growth. You may have met, heard or know some people in their 30s, 40s, or even past their 50’s who don’t seem to change or who have remained just the same all throughout their lives. They share the same stories, have the same reactions, same language, gestures, even same clothes & same furniture all their lives – this means that no matter the experiences you gain, no matter how many spaces you see, or how much time have passed – you will think the same way as you did years ago as if you’re stuck in a loop unless you put conscious efforts to have awareness & build better habits.
Justifying your actions, complaining about your surroundings or other people, blaming everybody else, or even the weather, or heavy traffic – these coping mechanisms are unhealthy & unsupportive to you & everybody else around you. These habits also show that you are lacking honesty, humility, & accountability from your end. You may feel helpless, or incapable of making your own choices & decisions, it means that you don’t know how to live with your choices or you’re filled with regrets.
“Regret isn’t actually trying to just make us feel bad that we didn’t live up to our own expectations. It is trying to motivate us to live up to them going forward. It is trying to show us what it is absolutely imperative to change in the future & what we really care about experiencing before we die.” –Brianna Wiest, The Mountain Is You
No matter what cards you were dealt with, you must remember that you always have a choice. Here are some ways honesty, humility, and accountability can help you resolve your issues, process & release your excess emotions.
HONESTY
Honesty is a valuable trait. Sometimes you only want to hear what would make you feel good, the beautiful things about you, what’s great about your life, your successes & achievements, your awards, the places you have visited, food you have tried, etc. These are all beautiful things, richness is a beautiful thing. In fact, you need to focus on the good things & practice observing gratitude in order to replicate or attract more of it.
What’s unhealthy is when you let external things or other people’s definition of who you are drive you. When you let others define for you what success means to you.
If you are innately at peace & honest about who you truly are, you learn to interpret external things as just results which don’t exist to define or judge you & anyone else. You’ll also realize that what others think or say about you is out of your control & that you don’t need to curate a perfect image of yourself in front of others. Some people will paint you like a villain in their story, some would look up to you, some would like your company & others are going to see you as their hero but maybe some would simply hate you or the way you talk or your taste in music or clothes or even just your name. But at the end of the day, these things don’t truly matter. You are only affected by these because you’re creating your story based on how they see you. You are affected because you don’t yet know who you are.
When you achieve true peace within, external things become just what they are – tools that you could take advantage of to keep moving forward. They are not there to differentiate you from anyone but simply exist to help you & maybe even allow you to collaborate with others. You get to understand potential better; you take the right actions towards where you want to go. You become clear about who you want to become. And people stop becoming pieces or chances to whom you can prove your worth to, whom you could persuade or please, or show your superiority to. Instead, you see them for what they are – individuals whom you could actually learn from & connect with, individuals with different experiences, needs & values. Honesty lets you co-exist with anyone & nurture good relationships with people you choose to grow with.
HONESTY & WEALTH
For example, truly wealthy, financially free individuals are honest with themselves & regularly reflect on their decisions & actions, otherwise, they wouldn’t even know how to keep their wealth & just mindlessly, impulsively throw everything away whenever they gain some money. The truly wealthy also have an abundance mindset – the feeling that you have enough, that you got everything you need, & even have more to share with others. They don’t crave for anything because they have built a solid structure of what they just truly need. They don’t need to show off or brag about their accomplishments & usually have limited luxuries. They don’t worship things like cars or houses but see them for what they are – that they are just things. Things that they could use to their advantage when they have it & things that they could let go of if they need to. Abundant people also pay it forward & support other people. On the other hand, if you operate on fear & scarcity even if you are doing okay, if you think that you’ll never have enough or someone is out there to get you, or scam you, then you need to start understanding why you think this way.
Without honesty, you wouldn’t know why you do certain things, what you’re trying to soothe yourself from, what your poor habits are, why you feel the need to keep proving yourself, why you’re pleasing others all the time at your expense, what you want to live for, experiences that make you genuinely joyful, why certain things trigger you or why you resent some people & why forgiveness is not an idea you can entertain, why you’re keeping yourself extremely busy – what you’re escaping or running away from, what you really like & what you don’t like.
When you’re not honest, you keep some feelings buried somewhere within you & even forget about its existence until you let yourself express it. You aren’t supposed to hold on to feelings – they are meant to be processed & understood.
HONESTY & FRIENDSHIP
For example, your friend did or said something that disappointed you & you did not clarify this directly with them. The longer these negative thoughts remain unexpressed in your head – say years or decades, the more upset you become when you think about it until you just decide to ignore your friend just because you didn’t truly tell them how you felt in the first place. Then you start to talk negatively about them to your circle. Maybe you don’t even remember the facts anymore why this is your association with her. Meanwhile, your friend was left in the dark not understanding why this happened.
But when you learn to truly open up, life becomes easier, you get to really take in every moment & become aware of your experiences. You learn from it consciously instead of letting every moment pass unknowingly.
When you’re honest, you start to question things like your thought process, you figure out who you are, beyond passing emotions, you truly understand what you’re repressing & why & solve any issue at its root cause instead of trying to stop your coping mechanisms again & again. When you’re honest, you develop a more accurate idea of yourself – that you’re not perfect, that you make mistakes just like everybody else, which allows you to be more forgiving of yourself & others. If you operate on honesty, your pride & ego will start to fade in the background.
When you take a hard look on yourself, suddenly there is nothing to prove, there’s no one to please, there’s no need to de-prioritize yourself & no need to resent anyone. It becomes easier to say yes or no to people without having to justify. It’s because you’re in a supportive place where you want to see yourself & others thrive, where you choose collaboration over competition.
HUMILITY
The simple act of being aware of your mistakes & admitting them is a good sign of humility. When you’re humble enough to acknowledge your part in everything that has happened in your life, you stop justifying, making excuses & feeling sorry for yourself.
We cannot control what happens, but we are always in control of our choices, our response or reactions. Each thought, decision, words or actions that we create brings about a new set of consequences. Without humility, you would always think that it wasn’t your fault but if you are willing to accept your flaws, then you can be open to communicate & resolve any form of problem. When you feel that you are always correct or there are other people to blame for your results, you assume that you’re perfect & others should rise to this illusion of perfection you have created for yourself.
HUMILITY IN TEACHING
For example, you may think that others aren’t learning quickly but would not even stop to consider if you were teaching them properly based on their learning personalities. If they don’t learn the first time, you could try again & foster a growth mindset. With growth mindset, you give everyone a chance to improve. But if you stick with a fixed mindset & believe that they won’t learn, you won’t be able to teach them effectively. You ignore differences instead of acknowledging & cultivating them. When you’re humble enough to accept yourself as a whole – including your weaknesses, then you learn to collaborate & cooperate with others, and express compassion & respect.
HUMILITY IN CONVERSATIONS
Conversations are easier to carry when you have a sense of humility. You understand that you don’t need to be right, or that you don’t need to win. You get that you simply have a problem with someone & by putting your heads together, there’s a good chance to connect with them so you could both learn from each other & grow.
ACCOUNTABILITY
Accountability refers to your willingness to accept responsibility & account for your actions.
ACCOUNTABILITY AT WORK
For example, you have a deadline to submit a report to your manager tomorrow at 12noon. But the next day, you prioritized answering emails & calls from clients & having lunch with your colleague before working on this task. If you tell your manager that you had to answer client calls & emails first before submitting the report; or that you decided to eat out before working on this important task, then you are not being accountable. These were choices you actually made – instead of checking your inbox & mail voice after lunch & completing the report before going out, you basically found a way to sabotage your schedule. Or if you really thought that there was not enough time to submit it, you could have turned it down immediately instead of impulsively accepting it.
ACCOUNTABILITY IN TIME MANAGEMENT
It’s also the same with committing to a meetup with friends & then being late or not showing up or suddenly prioritizing other plans or just piling up a lot more commitment to an already booked date & then using these as an excuse that you are, turns out, “busy” or “tired” or suddenly “sick” because you overbooked your schedule. If you’re accountable, you would immediately say no instead. Responding with a no would have been so much better instead of justifying your actions or making yourself seem more important or distant by being late or suddenly ignoring people & doing other stuff instead. You could try to figure out why you’re drowning out silence – why you’re trying to always fill your calendar & not make any time for rest & reflection. What are you truly running away from? Why do you feel empty?
ACCOUNTABILITY IN HABITS
In terms of building a good habit like walking or working out or doing weight training every other day before work – if you usually hear yourself say that you couldn’t really make it today because you stayed up late & watched Netflix, or that it was gloomy this morning or that you had to make breakfast, etc – these are just a bunch of excuses which you allowed to stop you. If every time you fail to achieve something, you keep making yourself feel better by justifying your choices & blaming external events for your failure of showing up, then you won’t ever find & make time to walk, workout, do your weight training, or take small actions for other plans that are actually important to you.
ACCOUNTABILITY IN SPENDING
Same thing if you’re trying to spend less this month but then you do not log any of your current or live expenses, how can you improve your spending habits? You cannot improve anything that you don’t record or measure. By diligently logging your expenses & tracking them regularly, you become aware of your true actions, your triggers, which months do you usually overspend – maybe summer, holidays, & whatnots. If you can anticipate a certain probability in the future based on your past actions, then you can actually plan your spendings better & maybe even keep extra savings for next summer or the upcoming holiday season. You can also find ways to lower your monthly costs by finding cheaper suppliers for your basic needs. You would also find out how luxurious you truly live & could use this as an opportunity to welcome simpler options. These might sound like small changes but could compound to bigger savings.
When you’re accountable, you can stop ignoring your existing problems & try to really find solutions to them. This gives you more confidence too because as you keep tackling what you used to fear, you can learn that any problem could actually be solved in a multitude of ways. That you don’t need to run from them but simply take a right step, one at a time. Just keep trying until you get it right.
“Much like jealousy, regret is also another way that we show ourselves not what we wish we could have done in the past, but what we absolutely need to create going forward.” –Brianna Wiest, The Mountain Is You
You can start improving your life & your relationships when you observe your own thought patterns, your personal triggers, or the way you react to someone, or if you’re usually judgmental of other people, easily flattered by compliments or hurt by criticisms. If you are, then you might be putting too much emphasis on things that are out of your control. You must learn to ignore these distractions & listen to your true self so you can listen to others too & just let them be.
Honesty, humility & accountability are valuable traits that could help you improve your life if you keep them in your belief system & consciously activate them. They help you release emotions, so they don’t build up into excess. These would also help you understand how good forgiveness is. When you’re confused, remember that your emotions are like a guide, a compass that helps you understand yourself. If you try to interpret your feelings & digest them as soon as you become aware of them, you would know that they are always just trying to help you grow or telling you something that you have been ignoring for so long. When you keep ignoring these emotions that are asking for your attention, they will just keep on building up until one day, you can’t ignore them anymore & you would have to make drastic changes. Work on it while the hints are still subtle.